Extracting the Precious from the Worthless

Over the Christmas holiday I read a book by Beth Guckenberger called “Relentless Hope”. This book caught my eye in a Barnes N Noble because of the sweet little African boy on the cover (I’m quite partial to sweet little African boys!). The book kept my attention because of the theme - “Extracting the Precious from the Worthless”. It talks about how whatever you are going through in your life right now is just a chapter in your story. You are not defined by the things that you have been through or the choices that you have made. We all have really hard things that we go through, and I know that I personally made some bad bad choices in my younger years (some of those bad choices stemming from hard times). If we can take these circumstances or trials and extract the precious from the worthless- His precious promises and precious intimacy with Him, and walk away with precious lessons learned, then it’s all worth it. Then can we learn to focus on extracting the precious from each day, and let go of the, um, not-so-precious.

Those of you who follow my blog know that I am pretty open about the things that are happening in our family. There is no shame in sharing your heart and your circumstances. God did not intend for us to spend life alone. I think so many women in Christian circles don’t share their raw emotions for fear of being talked about later, shared as a “prayer request”, or fear of opening up and being vulnerable just to be let down. We should all strive to be genuine – ask how someone is really doing, and then really listen and be there for them when they bare their soul. We should say “I am praying for you”, but then really do pray for them. We should try not to give pat answers, or try to “solve” anything – just listen and be there for each other…get “in the trenches” with them. Anyways, rabbit trail! Here goes. To honestly sum up our time since being home with our boys: beautiful, adventurous, heartbreaking, exciting ,exhausting, laughter-filled, eye-opening, frustrating, rewarding, and special. We have experienced the extreme opposite ends of the spectrum! We knew things would be hard when we pursued the adoption of our boys. We had many people say that we were crazy, and I’m sure even more were thinking it and didn’t verbalize. I think our social worker may have even tried to discourage us from changing from baby adoption to adopting two older children. Bottom line, they are without a doubt our boys...our sons. We loved them from the second we saw that first picture, and there was no way we were gonna say “No!” to God for fear of doing something radical, or fear of inadequacy, or being too young/inexperienced. When God asks you to do something, whether you feel it or not, He equips you and He sustains you. It sounds cliché, but it’s true. We have definitely felt very inadequate most days over the last three months, but His mercies are new every morning, He pours out His wisdom in abundance (at our pleading!), and He gives “strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow”. It has been HARD, but we are learning so much. Every day.

One of the things that we have gone through with the boys is hearing the things that they say to us when they are angry. Sometimes it’s “no love you”, sometimes it’s “you no my parents – my parents in Ethiopia”, and sometimes it’s “no like America- go back to Ethiopia”. Do they mean these things? No. Later there are apologies and remorse, and admittance that it was said out of anger. I have learned so much about our relationship with our (adoptive) heavenly Father these last three months from this, and from other situations we have encountered. We as children of God have everything at our fingertips – the keys to the kingdom! He adopted us, took us in, gave us a new name, redeemed our pasts – made us HIS. How many times in our relationship with our heavenly Father have we, maybe not with words but with actions, basically said to God “no love you – you no my Father…me go back to________”. How many times have we chosen to be angry instead of living in His love, or basically chosen our old life/way of living in exchange for all of the amazing things we have at our disposal as a child of the King? Granted, our boys do miss Ethiopia (and so do we!)- they miss their friends, their culture, and life the way it was before their father died and their mother had to give them up. But, do they miss going to bed without a mom and dad every night for two years, or someone consistent to hold them when they are sad? No. Do they miss their orphanage living conditions? No. Do they miss not having their own clothes, or anything to call their own for that matter? No. Do they miss not having a school to attend or a church they can go to every Sunday and make friends? No. Do they miss having no hope for the future? No. So we, in the same way, have what we need in Jesus Christ, but sometimes turn our backs and choose our old rags and way of living. It’s enticing sometimes to go back to the way of the world – Satan has a great way of making things looks easier or more fun, when in all actuality, we know that our old way of living brought no true joy, just pain. Why do we do this?

So, back to the book Relentless Hope. I’m reading it a second time. It’s full of stories of struggle with sin and of redemption. Full of stories of good people going through or struggling with bad things, how you can persevere with relentless hope, and how there’s always something precious to be gained. I guess the main thing I took away from the book was how to extract the precious. So, I try to do it every day now. Each day there is spiritual warfare in our home. Satan HATES adoption. If he can keep orphans as orphans, he knows he has a great shot at their souls. He fills orphan’s heads with lies. When God’s people adopt, Satan loses. He will then attack your home, trying to keep a foothold. Newsflash to Satan: You are NOT welcome in our home. We are fighting, and with God’s help, we WILL win. So, at the end of each day now with my journal, I sit down and write “Extracting the precious from today” and the date. I then list out every victory that we had that day, whether great or very small. Some days, there is very little victory, but I can find something to celebrate! Some days are really really good and there is lots to write down. This past Wednesday was a rough day for both boys at home. Anger abounded, attitudes were bad, nothing made them happy, and nothing we did or tried helped. BUT, they did go to AWANA that night, and both had an amazing time. Christian finished his entrance book and got his first AWANA book…and his little red vest…which he is very proud of. On a different day this week with little precious to take away, I recorded this about Joash: Joash LOVES the ice cream truck that comes through our neighborhood. He hears the music and will drop everything, grab a dollar from his Christmas money, and run outside. He puts his little hand out like he is hailing a cab in NYC, and he pays for his ice cream of choice. The funny thing is he never eats it! He will give it to a neighbor friend or to me, or put it in the freezer “for later”. The little guy just loves the whole ice cream truck experience. It gets me in the heart every time! So precious. So I write it down. I choose not to record the bad things that happen during the day. We have the ability to forgive, but not to completely forget, so I know one day I will still be able to recall some of these things when they are grown and way past all this and we are sitting around at the holidays talking and giving them a hard time about it! But for now, it does no good to rehash. All it will do is upset and discourage me all over again. Writing the precious things (that God has given us during a seemingly worthless day) down brings joy to my heart and helps me focus on victory. I want to break out my journals one day, and let them read through all of the daily victories and milestones…I want us as a family to remember the precious. My babies need prayer - they are hurting little individuals that have a long way to go emotionally. They are angry -they direct their anger towards us some days.It's hard, and it hurts. But their futures are as bright as the promises of God, and we will continue to fight! We are a family and we love them so much.

"And that's the key to our contentment. As Christians, we should be marked by our radically different approach to life. We have access to a God who offers us peace, but some days the most conflicted people I talk to are believers. I want to live by the verses I sing in the choruses on Sunday, songs about how I am content, and all I need is Jesus (not Jesus plus the right diagnosis, or Jesus plus having my way). If I get to be His spokesman, it'll be by reflecting to the world, as the prophet Jeremiah did, a truth not easily understood. And in this case, the truth is, even the most worthless of moments, whether big or small, can have something precious extracted from them. He doesn't waste anything." -Beth Guckenberger
Jeremiah 15:15-21

Infertility- Handle With Care

I received an email today from someone who is a part of my past…a part that was painful. It brought back a lot of the emotions that I felt during this particularly dark part of my life. This time period lasted about three years, but I will bear the emotional scars of it until I die. For some women, there is no ending. It breaks my heart in a million pieces. This “dark age”, if you will, began when we tried to start a family, and became devastating when we were labeled “infertile”.
The word makes me shudder because it brings back a flood of emotions, but it also makes me grateful because my heavenly Father included it as part of my story. Without it, I would not have gained a passion for adoption, and would not have the two precious boys that make my life so happy. Without it, I would not have gained a more precious, intimate relationship with God…I NEEDED Him. We all need Him every day, but I needed Him like never before if I wanted to emotionally survive each day. Without it, I may not fully appreciate the miracle that is growing inside of me right now…I am in absolute awe and wonder. Without it, I would not have gained a better appreciation for sensitivity, and a strong desire to choose my words carefully lest I hurt someone emotionally. Without it, I may not have seen the tender side of my husband, who needed no explanation when I walked in the door from work crying…he would simply hold me for a few minutes and then quietly start to cook dinner so I wouldn’t have to. Yes, I can be thankful for this painful time, and I am.
Now that I am on the other side of infertility (and adoption), I feel like I can speak out on a few things for women who are struggling with it. Everything I say may not be true for every woman who goes through infertility. I am just speaking based on what I went through and have watched other women experience during this. In this particular email I received today, I was told “before you mentor anyone else, you need to examine yourself first”. Isn’t part of being a mentor sharing what you went through, the way you handled things, and how you would or wouldn’t do things differently? Hindsight is 20/20, and I know that I wasn’t always easy to be around, but I can say that if women going through infertility were given a little grace, their feelings validated, and given a little sensitivity…there may be a lot fewer of what are labeled as “bitter infertile women”. Infertility is devastating – emotionally, physically, spiritually, and financially.
It is devastating emotionally because it is the loss of a dream. Most women have dreamed of their wedding day and having children from the time they were little girls. You marry a man that you are so in love with, you enjoy some time “just the two of you”, and then you decide it is time to start a family. You talk about what your baby may look like – will it have daddy’s eyes and mommy’s nose (in our case, hopefully not!)? You think of creative ways that you will tell friends and family your big news, and you start to write down potential baby names. A few months pass by with no pregnancy. You’re not worried yet because you have had friends who didn’t conceive until after 6-8 months of trying, but then more months pass by and you start to wonder if there is something wrong with you. After a full twelve months, you go to the doctor because at this point there is cause for concern. You and your husband both go through tests and you feel embarrassed. You may get results back and sit and cry because they found something wrong with you and you feel guilty because it’s your “fault”. On the other hand, you may get results back and fight feelings of bitterness because there is something wrong with your husband and it’s “his fault” that you cannot conceive. You put on a happy face and pretend like everything is okay, although on the inside you are panicking…”I may never be a mother. If I can never be a mother, I don’t want to live. I don’t want to be childless.” You have many friends and family members who are of childbearing age, and many of them become pregnant during this time. Each time you hear their wonderful news, you say “congratulations” because in your heart you truly are happy for them, but then you cry the rest of the day because you are reminded again of your closed womb and empty arms. You attend a few baby showers, but then you and your husband decide that it is counterproductive for you to subject yourself to baby showers if you are going to cry the rest of the day and be set back emotionally…so you start just sending a gift. You face many well-meaning yet insensitive comments. You decide that sensitivity training should become a part of the regular elementary school curriculum for every human being because if one more person tells you “you just need to relax and cut down on your stress and you will become pregnant”, you are going to scratch their eyeballs out. Even some close to you may feel like you are withdrawing or becoming bitter, and may approach you about it with good intentions, but it makes you feel worse. For most of my journey I was working with older folks (who sometimes don’t have a lot of tact) at an Ophthalmology practice. Each day I was asked by my patients when I was going to start having children, why I didn’t already have any children, when was my pregnant coworker’s baby due, and told maybe I should drink the same water she drank. Ouch. You feel defective, awkward, less-than, and forgotten.
It is devastating physically for several reasons. One, the emotional drainage makes you tired. Two, you may have to start some sort of medication to make you ovulate or to make your egg quality better, or you may have to undergo some sort of procedure whether it be exploratory or corrective. Many women have to give themselves injections month after month, and/or take pills that might as well be gold (I once dropped a pill that rolled under the fridge…I got a flashlight and found that sucker and swallowed it, under- the-fridge-fuzz and all. I figured if I paid $250 for about five pills, I was gonna find it!). Most of the medications make you a little more, um, crazy than you already are. They can blur your vision, make you sick, etc. No fun. You also have to make repeated doctor’s visits and have more ultrasounds than women do during pregnancy…it just doesn’t seem right. After all of this, you may have a procedure called an IUI (intra-uterine insemination) or an even more complex IVF (in vitro fertilization). You go through the dreaded two week wait, and then you either rejoice because it worked, or you want to lay down and die because after all that, you’re still not pregnant. And you start all over.
It is devastating spiritually because it throws you into what I call a crisis of faith. You wonder if God really does love you. Does He love so-and-so more because they received the desire of their heart without effort? Does He really hear your prayers? Are you being punished for something that you did in the past? How could such pain be a part of His plan? Did He forget about you? Many days I cried into my journal. I prayed for a pregnancy, in faith that God would grant it that next month. I couldn’t understand when it didn’t happen. Was my faith not strong enough? I can now look back and see how it did fit into His beautiful plan, but in the midst of it, “you can’t see the forest for the trees”.
It is devastating financially because infertility testing and treatment is EXPENSIVE. Most of it is out of pocket expense. Procedures are not covered by insurance…they should be. To an infertile person, their condition is just as devastating to them as heart disease, diabetes, or any other chronic illness you may think of. Some people choose not to do treatment and some do. That is their choice between them and their spouse and God. We chose after testing and talking to our reproductive endocrinologist that we would do an IUI. We did two, and after the second one failed, we chose to pursue adoption. We felt we were beating a dead horse and that our main goal was ultimately to be parents, not pregnant. Some people do many months or years of expensive treatment. I may not agree with the lengths that some go, but like I said, that is between them and their spouse and God to decide. Letting go of any dream is hard. Adoption is also very expensive and after spending money on infertility testing and treatment, it may seem unattainable. I remember when we were praying about adoption and I saw that the cost could range from $20,000-$50,000: I was speechless. We went into the adoption process with enough money only to apply, and prayed that God would provide – and He did! When we started the adoption journey, I still felt the pain of infertility although I knew adoption was God’s Plan A for us. Several people felt that I should have been over it once we decided to adopt. That may be the case for some women, but I can say that for most women who suffer from infertility and go on to adopt, the pain is still there. You experience a new kind of joy, and the pain becomes more bearable, but that wound is never fully healed.
Do you have someone in your life who is suffering from infertility and you just don’t know how to help them or reach out to them? My best advice, having been on the other side, is handle them with care and extend grace to them. Validate their feelings – let them know that you understand their pain is real and you are so sorry. Tell them you are praying for them. Don’t avoid them because you don’t know what to say. If you are close to them and you become pregnant, tell them in private and choose tender words…it will mean the world to them that you cared enough about their feelings to do so. Don’t talk about your pregnancy around them –let them bring it up (and they will bring it up if given space and time). Invite them to your baby shower because they still want to feel included, but don’t expect them to come – they may come, or they may pick out a thoughtful gift and give it to you ahead of time. Choose your words carefully (and this goes for everything in life)- use some sensitivity! Pray for them. Pray that God will rescue them from the pain they are feeling and quickly grant their desire to be a parent through whatever means He wills. Pray for peace. Pray for their emotional stability and their relationship with their husband. Send them an encouraging verse from scripture and/or a song that you heard that encouraged you. My close friend Debbie would do this for me on particularly hard days, and she also would admittedly edit her text messages before sending to be sure that they were sensitive and encouraging! There are many things I am sure she wanted to say and I probably needed a good kick in the butt some days, but she knew that would only make me feel worse and what I needed was a good friend and a shoulder to cry on. (She also brought me lidocaine alcohol swabs and Elmo bandaids and m&m candies when I had to give myself my first injection…sorry guys, she is my friend and you can’t have her!  )

What not to say:
“If you would just relax you would get pregnant.” – There are real medical reasons why you can’t conceive. It has more to do than just relaxing.
“You are under too much stress to get pregnant.” – Again, real medical reasons, and no one can completely eliminate stress from their life.
“Just adopt and you will become pregnant.” -It does NOT happen for everyone who adopts. I personally know four families who have adopted and not gone on to conceive.
“You just need to wait for God’s timing.” – There is truth in this, but not what they need to hear. They know it in their head, but they get tired of hearing it all the time.
“I knew this person who tried for ten years before she got pregnant- but it did happen!” – Not encouraging!
“So and so is pregnant- maybe you should drink the same water.” – Not funny!
“Are you sure you’re doing it right?”… and the list goes on. 

What to say:
“I love you and I am so sorry you are going through this. It’s not fair and I know it is so hard. God does have a reason for this although it is hard to understand right now. One day we will look back on this time and see what He was doing. But until then, know that I am here, I care, and I love you.”

My blessings definitely came through raindrops, my healing through tears. I grew to know Him better, my little blessings are asleep in the next room, and my newest unexpected blessing, in my now open womb. I am so thankful for the people in my life who journeyed with me and handled me with care. Please be that for someone else who is hurting…

Home

I figured since we have been home with the boys almost a month now, I should probably update our blog! :) Truth is, I don't consider myself a "blogger"...I usually sit and stare at the computer awhile trying to figure out how to put my thoughts into writing, and I never think it's good. Also, since bringing our two little men home, I haven't had time to pee, much less blog! The boys started school yesterday and I am now finding time to clean, do laundry, wash dishes, shower, and yes...pee. So here goes an update!

On October 7th, we arrived at the Transition Home in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia to be reunited with our precious boys. In that moment, the long wait, the agony, the tears, the sadness- it was all washed away. We were finally a family! I can't describe the joy in our hearts that day. We had longed to be parents for three years and God kept saying "wait". After meeting our boys in July and then having to leave them for three months was torture. A HUGE painful burden was lifted the day that we took them out of the transition home forever and back to our hotel. It's hard to believe that that part of the journey is over. Our 16 month adoption journey that seemed to drag on for eternity, now just a memory! We thank God for His peace that passes all understanding during those days where we thought we might not make it. If you know someone in the midst of the journey - whether it be infertility and the journey to parenthood, or the adoption journey, or both: be a voice of encouragement to them. Let them know that God has big things planned for them. Tell them they are not alone, and that they WILL make it through. Be an instrument of healing in their lives - they NEED it. Some days they will feel like they aren't going to make it through, or that they would rather not be living than to never be able to be a mother or father (it's real, folks), or that if they hear one more discouraging word about adoption or another insensitive comment they are going to lose it! Be there for them - they will be forever grateful. We are SO thankful for the people that "stuck it out" with us through the sadness and the ugliness and the "longness" (is that a word?). We couldn't have done it without you!

The boys have done really well since being home! I can't say that it has all been easy. They lost their birthfather and birthmother, and then when they gained a new mommy and daddy, they lost their friends and their country. We have worked through meltdowns...the screaming for an hour with no consolation, the refusing to try new foods and sitting at the table for three hours because Christian won't try just one bite (and we won't let him get up until he does), the trust issues, and the "I'm gonna run out the front door and down the street and make my pregnant mama chase me screaming because I'm running straight towards the main road" (our neighbors must wonder about us!). BUT we have also experienced the sweet moments at bedtime, hearing the boys sing praise and worship and ask to read their Bibles, the precious healing conversations about their birthparents, seeing trust grow and feeling like a family, their first day of school and being so proud of them, and so so many more. To know Christian and Joash is to totally love them...it's impossible not to. They have this mama's heart in a major way, and I cannot imagine life without them (nor do I remember much about life before them). They bring so much joy to every day! We have been asked "don't you want children of your own?" before and to that I sweetly (or not so sweetly) reply - they ARE MY OWN. They couldn't be more my own. I love them with every part of me. I grieve their past and am so sorry that they lost their birthfamily - we live in a broken world. I am thankful that out of that brokeness, God chose us to be their new family.

As most of you know, we are also expecting a baby, due in April! SUCH A MIRACLE and so unexpected. We found out about our pregnancy two weeks after we passed court and became legal parents of Christian and Joash. If that doesn't display that God's timing is perfect, I don't know what would! We are still in awe of God and His goodness. The boys are so excited! When we told them, they were so happy, and then they got right down to the business of asking where the baby comes out - "comes out of your mouth mommy?". LOL! Time to change the subject, boys! :) With that, I will leave you with some pictures of my two cuties!

Our First Meeting

This is a video I made to show how special our first meeting with our boys was...enjoy!

Our family...

I am here to tell you that MIRACLES DO STILL HAPPEN! God is so good! We were told last Friday that we did not pass court. Courts were then closed for two months for rainy season, and all of us who didn’t pass would just have to wait until they reopened for our cases to be looked at. This was a hard pill to swallow. We didn’t pass because of a mistake on MOWCYA’s part, and then we were just out of luck. Shane and I were reeling from this information, and he is on the other side of the world. Fast forward to Monday.
I get a call from our agency saying that the courts for whatever reason had decided to stay open a few extra days, and that they would advocate for our family again to see if they could get our letter re-written. They could make no promises, and said just to pray. I have to be honest, I was struggling with prayer at this point. I had poured my heart out in anguish last week, had prayed in faith that God would move this mountain, had cried and begged, and we didn’t pass. I even called my dad on Sunday to talk to him about prayer. “Dad, why do we even pray if ultimately God is going to do what He wants anyway? I feel like He has never answered my prayers in the way that I have asked, so shouldn’t I just sit back and say ‘your will be done’?”. (I’m so glad that I have an earthly father who knows the Lord, that I can talk to when things of my heavenly father aren’t clear to me.) One of the things my daddy told me was the story of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead in John 11. (paraphrasing) Mary and Martha had asked Jesus to come heal their brother because he was sick. Scripture says although Jesus loved them, he stayed where he was for the next two days. In that time, Lazarus died and was buried. Jesus then came to Bethany, and Martha met with him and basically said – if you had been here, this wouldn’t have happened. Shortly after, Jesus went to Lazarus’ grave and said “Father, thank you for hearing me. You always hear me, but I said it out loud for the sake of all these people standing here, so that they will believe you sent me.” He then raised Lazarus from the dead, and many people believed because of it. That story really encouraged me these last two days before we got the news today. We don’t tell God what to do. We can pray and ask, but sometimes God doesn’t answer the way we want, because He knows that His name will be praised and spread further if He waits, and His mighty power can be shown. Well, He really showed His mighty power today. Courts shouldn’t have stayed open these last few days, but God made it happen. He worked a miracle for us and for our boys, and MAY HIS NAME BE PRAISED.
Enjoy the pictures of our first meeting with our boys…Christian Abiti Somers and Joash Negalegn Somers...WE PASSED COURT!!!

These past few days...

So I don't have a lot left in me to write, and I'm still processing everything from this week, so bear with me. On Wednesday, I was sitting at our kitchen table with a friend who was showing me an awesome reading program to do with the boys...the phone rings and it's AWAA. I answered with excitement because we were waiting to hear if we passed court by Friday, and it was early. It was our family coordinator, and she told me that MOWCYA had written a recommendation letter to the courts, but that it was unfavorable. She said that they had overlooked our homestudy update...that was there the whole time. She continued to say that there were two days left for them to subpoena the new corrected letter, MOWCYA to get it written, and for it to get hand delivered to the court by close of business Friday. She said it was totally possible for this to all happen, and to be praying. It hurt so bad to know that we could suffer because of a silly mistake, but we were still hopeful. We also heard a few hours later that all of our friends in our traveling group had passed...we were so happy for them, but that hurt too.

Fast forward through two days of intense anxiety, lots of desperate prayers, and frail hope. We waited all morning for news (me here, and Shane in Romania). We got an email from our agency at 2:00 saying that they were still working on wrapping things up in Ethiopia, and they would give us news as soon as possible. The call finally came at 2:47, and was to inform us that "unfortunately, you did not pass today". Hopes and prayers for a miracle...crushed. They said that the letter was never re-written. (What the heck have they been doing over there the past two days?!)MOWCYA will still be writing letters over the court closure, so we should pass as soon as courts re-open, which isn't until the end of September/early October. I can't get my hopes up over anything anymore. We have had so much bad news over this process. One day soon I will have renewed hope, but not today. So many unanswered questions about what transpired over there this week in reference to our paperwork - answers we will never get.

One thing I do know, God is still good and still on the throne. This is not a surprise to Him. From my human perspective, there is no good that could come out of this. The boys suffer, we suffer, those around us suffer. But from God's viewpoint, I know there has to be a good reason for this. This is all I can say for now.

"Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy. They weep as they go to plant their seed, but they sing as they return with the harvest." Psalm 126:5-6 I'm cryin' now, but boy will I be a-singin' when I finally return with my boys...

Shower

Our church is having an adoption shower for us tomorrow, and we are so excited! It will be an awesome celebration of the boys. I wish that they could be there for it, but I know that it would probably be extremely overwhelming for them. They have no idea how loved they are! We are blessed to have a church family that loves these boys so much without having met them. We are so thankful for their support and love. We are looking forward to celebrating the boys tomorrow and being able to show some pictures! We haven't passed court yet so we cannot post pics online or through slideshow or anything, but we do have a beautiful picture book that was made for us with pictures of our trip that we will bring. Hope to see you there! :)